S is for...

Sorry in advance for this tough topic being discussed, and for the details being stated, but it is a topic I need to talk about.

 S is for..suicide. I think a lot of people hear that word, and want to either change the subject, or just shut down. I know I have been like that, but I think this is a topic that needs to be talked about. I was at work, and I was just in a not so great mood. I didn't feel like really doing anything, and I really didn't want to be at work. Everything was bugging me. The only thing is, I kept thinking about suicide. The word, not the act. So I thought I would share some of my personal experience with it.

For me, and anyone else in the world, suicide in not an option. I believe there are other ways to handle it. But let me tell you my story. I have never tried to commit suicide, but I have had suicidal thoughts. Mine started around high school/college age. So really within the last 10 or less years. The last year to two years, have been the worst for me. 

For me, in the past year, all of my thoughts have been about slicing my wrists. Once was by another way, but again, nothing has ever happened. 

This past few months, I have been dealing with a lot in my personal life, but that is a topic for another day when I am ready. One change in my life has been my relationship with my parents. I never thought my parents would be as truly understanding as they have been with everything going on. Especially when I told them I was suicidal. My dad didn't really know how to handle it at first. He now has made it very, very clear that if I ever have a thought, or feel like I am about to do something, I call him. No matter where I am or where he is. No matter what time it is. I call my dad, and he will be there as quickly as he can be. My mom has said the same thing too. 

I feel like no one talks about suicide until it happens, but what about talking about it before it happens? Usually, no one says anything until you hear a celebrate or a famous person dying by suicide, and then that's when everyone starts to acting like "they care."

The truth is, SO MANY PEOPLE CARE! I've been more open about the fact that I am suicidal, and I have learn that that isn't the worst thing in the world. Acting on it is. But with being honest to those who I am close to, I have learned that I am very cared for. So are you. You are loved more than you will ever know. 

You know, there are people and articles about how when someone decides to take their life, they affect so many people. A lot of the time, those who choose to make that huge life decision, they aren't thinking straight to see the big picture. No matter who is in your life, there is at least one person whose world would be turned upside down if you took your life.

About a month ago, I was at my worst. I was moving out of my apartment. I was there alone. I was so upset, so sad. I was bawling for hours. I was going to spend the night at the apartment to finish packing and clean. I was so worked up, that I was making myself sick. I almost threw up 3 times in about an hour. I thought if I slice my wrists, no one would find me until the next day. I would be dead, and there would be no chance to save me. I wanted to just cut my wrists with packing tape holder, and on top of that, I wanted to stab my vein in my arm with a sharp pair of tweezers. I decided that being alone was the worst place for me to be.

I thought about what I would be leaving behind that night. Just because I was in the worst place in my life. The worst state of mind. I knew this would affect so many people. My wonderful parents. My brother. My best friends. I decided that I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I had to tell someone. Only about a small handful of people knew that I had had these thoughts in the past. That night, I went to my parent's house and I told my dad for the first time I was suicidal. And as you read above, you know how he reacted. So in times of pain, heart-ache, and everything else, you can't always think clearly, but please try to remember that there is someone who cares. I do. Others do too. 

For me, I know that I have a purpose, I have a life. Something wonderful to look forward to. For me, it is being married, having a family, have a career, maybe even own an inn. A friend told me, if I died, I would never have children, and anyone who knows me, knows that I want children, and if I killed myself, no one would ever get to know my children. I would never get to meet them. That alone for me, is one thing to keep fighting for.

To anyone who has read this, and has felt the way I have, know that you are not alone. But know that there are other people who care about you. Know that there are other options. If you need someone to talk to, someone to be there for you, or anything else, I am there for you. Please reach out to me. I know what you are feeling, and I will be there for you. 

Sarah ♥︎

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