Being the Best You That You Can Be

You know, when I turned 24, I vowed to myself to make the next year of my life the best year I can. So by the time I turned 25, I will be starting the next big part of my life as best I can. I wanted to do more photography, become more financial stable, and work on bettering my health and fitness. I want to be the best me I can be. I had plans for where I want to be when I turned 25, and this past year my life has done a complete 180, and I am honestly glad it did. 

Last October, I got married and I thought the best part of my life was just starting. I was marrying the love of my life, we were starting our lives together, starting our family. I thought I was going to be unstoppable. 

Life had a different plan. Honestly, 2018 has been the worst year of my life in a lot of ways, but it has also become memorable year. 

My marriage unfortunately didn't last. I know we didn't even make it a year, but it just become very unhealthy. It wasn't all terrible, but I truly believe we were meant to play a role in each other's lives, our paths were just meant to go separate ways. It was hard. This year was hard. It was hell at moments, but you have to learn from those moments. 

For a period of time, I was reliving my pre-separation 24/7. Every pain I felt for months, I was living, breathing, sleeping, eating it. That just made things worse and worse until I couldn't handle it anymore. I had hit my lowest of lows the day we moved out of our apartment and started the separation. I wrote an article about that day. Thankful I have not felt as shitty as I did that day since. A few very, very minor bad feelings, but my life has changed. I've made the proper changes that I wanted to see in my life, and I will continue to do that. 

I learned that no one could make those changed but me. I had a choice. I could live in hell for the rest of my life, or I can stop having a pity party, and make me a better person. When I start my year challenge, which I call Sarah's 365, I was just starting my marriage. I had no idea what was going to happen. I never thought I was going to get divorced EVER. 

I always thought divorce was awful. I always felt terrible for anyone who went through a divorce. Yes, some divorces are terrible and end for not the best reasons, but mine was a different story. Sometimes, divorce is for the best. Just talking about it, I want to truly explain what happened between us, but that truly is no one's business but mine and my ex-husband's. And I am sad with how things ended, and that we got divorced. I told my family and closest friends that I was broken because I was getting divorced, especially when our court date came around. I would get responses like, "you should be happy, you wanted this." Yes, I filed. I don't regret filing. But just because I filed for divorce, that doesn't make it any easier for me. It broke me. Just like I think it broke my ex-husband. At one point, we were happy, and we wanted to spend our lives together. Unfortunately in our case, the world saw it differently. We just weren't meant to last. 

Once I came to peace that my life was about to take a huge drastic change, I decided it was to live in misery or to see it as a chance to make my life better with positive changes. So that's what I did.

You know, it is okay to be sad at times. It's okay to question life changes. But you got to realize you made a change for a reason. Whether it is because you are unhappy, or because you want to grow in life, or because you just need to better yourself.

I read somewhere that sometimes in a relationship, one person wants to grow, and the other person doesn't want to, and because of that, couples grow a part. Maybe that's what happened to me, maybe it's not. Who truly knows. All I know at this point is that I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I wasn't happy. So I made a change.

Lately, I've been happier. I still have bad days. Everyone does. But I finally came to peace with my life. And it is just that. It's my life. Who gives a shit what anyone thinks or says. I know there has been stuff said, and there probably will be once this is posted, but I don't care. It is my life, and I am the only one who can truly make me happy. If I'm not happy, something is wrong. I've been saying that for three months now, and it is okay to put you first. Some think it is selfish. It is not selfish. It is self care. And self care is the best thing you can do for yourself. 

You only live once. Life is a beautiful, beautiful gift that you get from God. It took me a really long time to realize my life story. To see His purpose for me. I never fully understood what God was doing in my life until I got to college. I learned that God had His hands on my life from before I was even born, and I am truly blessed for that. 

I talk to God every day, and I know He sees the pain I feel every now and then. He asks me "are you okay?" about 50+ times a day. Especially when I was separating from my then husband. All I wanted to do was cry and say "yes" when we both knew I was far from being okay. 

I have learned that it is okay to say that you are not okay. That you are not happy. That you are not living the life you thought you should be. When you can admit that you are not being the person you know that you can be, that is when you get the wake up call to make changes. 

Once we separated, I knew I needed a new outlet. That's one reason why I started The Flying Sparrow. I have come to love writing for others. I always wrote for myself, but I believe that you can find inspiration everywhere. And I know that everyone goes through different events in their lives, but you never know what someone is truly going through. I just hope that something that I write has an affect on someone else. I know with my suicide article, I had a lot of feedback, and I just want everyone to know that no matter what you are going through, someone in the world understands. No, they are not going through it the same way that you are, but they can relate. I want to be real and be honest with my writing to connect with anyone that is reading this.

The world is an interesting place. No matter how hard we try to fit in, we are meant to stand out. We all do in our own ways. But if you can't be your true self, then how can you be living the best life? Sometimes you have to make changes that hurt other people. Mine did, but even though it hurt others, it made me a better me. A better person, and that is more than enough for me. 

Sarah ♥︎

Photo from Google